How to Worry Friends and Inconvenience People

Roll your own tampons

Sit next to the only other person on an otherwise empty bus

After taking money out of a cashpoint, wave it around and exclaim loudly “I won!”

End an exam essay with “The End”, or “Fin” if it is a French exam

Only aspire to jobs which have a particular accent attached (police, farmer, pirate etc)

Only like animals which come in pairs (tortoise and turtle, rabbit and hare etc)

If you call a TV a “gogglebox”, call your computer the “googlebox”

Practise Shipmanship, the art of resembling Harold Shipman

…or “prodigal”

Call a ladder that isn’t yours, but belongs to a close relation, your “step ladder”

Erect another statue of Nelson on the fourth plinth

Refer to MySpace as “Rupert Murdoch’s teenage mass observation project”